Thursday, August 7, 2014

From the Mind to Print and Back Again

I've listed my kickstarter and hope with all my heart it will be sucessful so I can get back on track with my work. I thought intensely about it over the past day, half of me was excited to get my photos and writing out there and get people as excited as I am to continue and the other half was saying this is just a hobby and you really don't deserve help. I'm glad I heard that horrible voice because my photography is not a hobby its actually what I live for; I devote all free time joyfully to it and quite honestly feel a bit depressed not having the ability to share the photos I've taken post computer capable of RAW format. Before leaving New York I was always intending on creating a book, I didn't expect to be back home right after the 3 months in Hawaii I wanted to get away long term. At the time I didn't connect photography to the idea but that is a huge bonus in my life and even more reason to get started. I'm ready to commit myself to that original goal of a travel book because if I've learned anything recently its that I've got plenty to say. Sometimes its really easy to discount your work as much as it means to you and realizing you do is the first step to creative freedom, my photography means so much that I'm willing to take a chance at failing to raising enough money.

For those new to the blog check out Victoriafennell.com for my photography, I hope to find a raw converter capable with this computer to put up some of the newer photos over the past week but I'm using my host moms old work laptop and it limits updates and new program downloads.

The link to my kickstarter page is, https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/toritakesphotos/the-pursuit-of-travel

Au-pairing is a lonely job, life revolves around the kids needs and school schedule, my free time had been revolving around my photography and writing for months now and the absence of access to photos has been sorely missed. 

So a brief update on the laptop situation.

I went to the Apple store yesterday to have my laptop checked out; I ordered a screwdriver last week to have a peek inside and allow little in depth drying before handing it over. It didn't look good. Bits of what looked like pet hair and fuzz were caked onto the components which were themselves a distorted and a clearly corroded color. I knew it was over and probably could have skipped the torment I put myself through getting it looked at but I dragged my feet to the train with a heart of heavy hope to make the 12:45 appointment.

I walked down the long hallway of the mall towards the Apple store with the look of a deer in the headlights standing in a cold doctors office with dozens of needles pointed at various parts of my body. I felt I had lost my social confidence and was genuinely nervous about going in. I was only a few minutes early and sat next to a woman getting her two laptops checked out, I couldn't sit still. A greasy looking teenager slid over towards me after helping the older woman, his name tag said genius on it and although he was really very nice I cant remember his name. I smiled trying to look alright, I explained my situation quickly and in much less detail than I had run through over and over again in my head about how to explain my stupidity. The real conversation was not even close to what I had imagined. The employees here must be used to people on the verge of breaking down in tears I figured, its so stressful. He explained he'd be taking the laptop to the backroom, I listened not hearing anything engulfed in a swirl of thoughts I cant even remember. I sat rubbing my hands together fidgeting unconsciously trying to look comfortable and okay. A woman sat to the right of me with a faulty iPhone, she smiled. I felt my shoulders hunched over and my face unnaturally long, I straightened up and smiled back. She knew my deal she heard my sputtering and half mumbling shameful explanation. She was so kind and for a few minutes took my mind off the man in the back who would momentarily tell me my computer could be replaced for the fee of a mere 1500 dollars. I wish I could remember what we spoke about, I remember her iPhone was broken but it was new so she'd be getting a new one free for sure; her daughters Mac was trashed as well but I think she was trying to make me feel better. I could have hugged her thinking back now but I find when nervous my mind does not like to process or save any information.

She motioned her head towards the door, wide eyed and in slow motion I looked to see the boy carrying my laptop looking glum. I seriously was trying not to cry, thats what my energy was focused on. I pride myself in being tough but I'm terrible at stopping myself from shedding tears in distressing moments. My mind remembers the diagnosis as,
Dead 
Repair not worth it. Are you a student? 
I asked with my hand over my mouth if anything was salvageable, he said something along the lines of, a few keys might work.

I said a few okays and then knowing full well if I didn't get out of there fast I would start leaking, I thanked him as best I could and said "I gotta go." I turned back quickly to wave goodbye to the woman to the right of me but I'm not sure she saw, I 'm so happy she grounded me during that wait.

In actual fact I'm glad I know the drama is over, there is no more maybe it will come on it and hesitant plugging in. It is now a nice extremely expensive paperweight for the piles of notes I have accumulated since its departure. My writings are lost to the infosphere very sadly, the big black box in the electromagnetic waves. In another form they still live in my mind and one day I'll sort through and decide what deserves to be brought back to print. Such is life, its only a possession and I will bounce back eventually with a ton of photos to share.