Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Bogan

When first properly introduced into Australian culture I learned of a mysterious persons called the Bogan of whom I had not yet encountered. Much like the "trailer trash" of the Southern United States the Bogan is a damnable creature lacking in the very basics of personal hygiene and the manners of the educated and well rounded individual. I had seen many bizarre people along my travels in Oz and believe today I have encountered and briefly followed the first real bogans of my trip. This motley group of three so inspired me to share their lives I came home straight away to type this post. This is so all of you can too enjoy those delicious 5 minutes I was stuck walking behind them getting close enough to become part of their group.

If only I hadn't taken that shower yesterday.

They say the fastest way to get from point A to point B is a straight line, bogans don't buy it. They often walk side to side swivelling and stumbling their way against flat surfaces, tempting fate on curbs and stepping over their own feet or pets. They are very distinguishable in their swagger; do not for the love of god get stuck behind a group of them. Unlike most people bogans do not sense your discomfort of being swallowed into their group as you overtake their slowly advancing wall. They will not move for you or for that matter walk in a straight line its not in their nature and chances are  they've been drinking since waking up.  The bogan will bunch up and wobble your escape opportunities out of existence. If you find yourself in on of these situations you must either,

1. Walk around on the grass or road
2. Slow down immensely and wait for a free moment to bolt through
3. Consider the distance of pub or shops and wait for them to make their way there

If for some reason you should wish to find a bogan outside of their natural habitat of the bar or the home you may find it useful to locate a trail of bottles. Bogans hydrate differently than the average human, they live almost entirely off of alcohol. For the 5 minutes I followed my bogans I only encountered the tossing of 1 bottle that, to quote the older gentleman was "weighing down" the younger and seemingly drunker. The bogan lives for today, he or she cares not for the environment but grabs life by the liter and guzzles it down damned the consequences. It is also possible theory that because of their main goal to be as drunk as possible by 3 pm the bottles may possibly map their way home, this however is unlikely considering they don't generally stray far from their habitat.

The bogan moves with the swiftness and silence of a freight train. Whether in a group or solitary they always have something to discuss with themselves or each other. They aren't shy to tell themselves aloud exactly what they are thinking and frequently enjoy testing the limits of their vocal chords. The bogans song can be heard from distances of up to .50 mile away and is a clear sign that a party whether wanted or not will be passing by your way. The solitary bogan is far rarer than the group. They like the parrots and cockatoos of Australia feel the need to congregate to make the loudest and most  irritating screeches possible; this is generally done at the hours when silence is most valued.

The age of a bogan is a difficult thing to tell. The young ones have a deceiving older than they are look about them and most drink years before legal age making them appear at least 18 to the untrained eye. The older a bogans becomes the harder it is to determine age, features especially the face get the harder and harder to read. A 40 year old bogan may very well be mistaken to be 5-10 years senior. This is true more so for the female of the species than the male.

Within their groups bogans are quite fashionable and trendy, hiply tending to embrace the 1980 and 1990s styles. Mullets are a common hairstyle amongst the men whilst the women tend to enjoy the just woke up un-brushed look. Their clothes will always have holes, this is for ventilation purposes and of course the extra beer money. Australia gets very hot its generally thought the more holes the more breeze can enter creating their own free natural air conditioning. They often shun hygiene, showers and other bathing activities. These exercises take time from their busy schedules. They are very in touch with nature so much so they often pass out in it. The smell of artificial flowers is nothing like rolling in the real nature, the stank of humanity far more pleasant to them than that of soap.

The bogan is an exciting creature worthy of future study. Unfortunately I was only in possession of an iPod and was unable to take a photo considering the loud shutter noise that is impossible to turn off and the way too close proximity. I uses escape plan #2 btw.