Thursday, April 17, 2014

Stationary Living

Its been a while!

RIP Oscar, I hope im premature saying that but at this point hes been missing for over a week. He although being an outdoor cat rarely leaves the backyard. 
Hes been as good a friend to me as a cat can be since I arrived in Brooklyn. Moment of silence for this doofus. I genuinely miss him and hope he found a family with better food than us and not become fertilizer.

He was also quite the model

So g'day folks sorry for the delays in posting anything but not much has been happening lately. I struggle with the posts if I don't have anything specific to say procrastination and laziness get the better of me sometimes actually most times... 

Basically on the day to day to fill the downtime I've been trying to distract myself with activities, I try for creative stuff like painting but usually just watch Netflix, which btw you have to jump through loops to be able to watch here as it is yet unavailable in this part of the world. I've been taking some online courses from a website called At the moment The Modern and Postmodern by Wesleyan University has taken most if not all my attention. I even write essays almost weekly for it; that today is what brings me here.

I spent an entire day last week on an essay with a serious case of procrastination / writers block only to finally get myself on the right track and find that the deadline was 5am LA time, not 5pm. Fuck. Well lets not waste this opportunity to write I though, the brick wall I've been scratching at all day took a lot to break and the blood stains still drip fresh from my repeated head bangings against its treacherous and mangled remnants.

So, funny enough this post had actually began being written a little over 2 weeks ago, its 3 separate posts combined. It was a paragraph long thought saved to blogger that I intended to write before the environmental post, the post essay thoughts and now an addition to a very brief itinerary change for my travels. I hope it flows well but I cant be bothered to separate it all.

Winter is coming in Australia and the weather shows. Two weeks of straight rain and a slightly cooler breeze in the air. Seeing no dramatic leaf change and having no Halloween to compliment the season I miss but I'm curious to see what the winter has in store down under, certainly wont be like New York. Season wise ill never prefer the summer x-mas or Easter in the fall so on that note East Coast USA 1 AUS 0. USA might disagree after this winter but think of 4 plus days of 108 degrees too... With the weather trapping me indoors it has become more apparent how boring Au-pairing is, really really boring. The kids are great but the routine is not my cup of tea I'm becoming stir crazy, cant go far on the cheap to get out of the house and don't want to brave the tercentennial downpours that appear at random once or more a day.

My distraction of classes has been a fleeting joy, sometimes im 100% student other times im blankly staring at the screen moments from drooling onto my lap. In The Modern and Postmodern (highly recommended class) last week we talked about Emerson and self-reliance, the very topic I was writing about before as the idea for my original post. Weirdly the class has followed a few of my most recent mindsets very closely. I had been thinking about myself and questioning my own sense of self-reliance over the past two weeks especially. With the weather causing a very serious travel itch I reflected that at this moment although I feel self-reliant I am not truly; pretty broke and was questioning my job the realistic options at this very moment are scarce I am a bit stuck. I started to wonder am I taking the easy way out and torturing myself mentally for it or just in a slump caused by a lack of excitement?

Over the years I've come to realize in myself that most often when I find comfort I've became most uncomfortable. It seems that being without struggle does not suit my personality, it puts me at a sense of common place and increasing nervous energy. I am the type of person who needs many outlets and strong outlets at that to take my mind away from negative thought of which I am overly prone. I generally will over think everything at the expense of happiness, any regret and fear will rear its ugly head in moments of silence and the positives are too easily buried and hidden deep under the shit.

Could the travel bug be a way for some of us to run away from our inability to deal with the ordinary? I often find myself wanting to visit home and will on the same night actually have a nightmare of it; not due to seeing any old faces or family but fear that it will be giving up and a worries I wont be able to leave again stuck in the minimum wage loop. Although the situation I find myself in now is comfortable, easy for sure I feel it too easy and slowly I slip back into negative thoughts and for really no good legitimate reason at all. I have too much time to think and my mind takes full advantage of telling me what I can do better. Old mentalities come creeping back and I look forward again, the present becoming a mere inconvenience to my plans. I always had a 3 month job limit back in NY, if I wasn't happy with my work after 3 months i'd quit. Usually this was achieved by turning off my alarm and sleeping in, never have I been happy in my work or content for a period of more than 6 months. It seems it may be the same for traveling, the 3 month limit on location.

Decisions are hardest made when the options seem endless they are especially rash and changed when traveling. I strive for more ways to support myself not having to do with finding short term work to fund my photography and travels. I cant have my life dictated by a schedule set by someone else, i've worked enough shitty jobs to know I need to find a way to support myself, that is the dream right?

Since arriving here I have changed my mind on what to do about 5 times. Major changes like returning to NY to save money for studies abroad morphed into backpacking Europe which then upon seeing the financial side got pushed forward in favor of getting a New Zealand work visa and traveling to Cambodia for a meditation retreat and general "vacation from my vacation". As of now the Cambodia & NZ is the plan with a possible NY stop in the fall for 3 months if financially possible. However the nature of my adventure is an ever morphing idea it could change tomorrow it did today when an obvious and practical option arose itself to my attention.


I don't know why it hadn't been in my mind before, camper vans quite literally seem the best mode of transportation for the traveler who gives zero-fucks about comfort and amenities. When searching for flights from Sydney to Alice Springs to Cairns to Darwin at an ungodly rate I never thought to just drive it. When better a time to learn to drive on the left side of the road than whilst au-pairing? It'll be a sneak peak of the terror the parents will face when their kids get old enough to learn to drive.

Stops at my discretion (photos anytime!), hostel unnecessary and overall pretty affordable? Sold.  I believe the aussie spring will be a camper van journey as well as future New Zealand. When 16 day tours of NZ range around $2000+ ill take my chances going alone for a fraction of the price. 

It wont be comfy, it will be stressful, I WILL get lost multiple times and for all you I hope my likely increasing insanity will be funny.

I cant wait.

Notes From a Dark Van coming August 2014, where wifi allows....

Easter will be spent in Newcastle NSW, beach and wine tours. Photos and stories to come.

Happy Holidays all eat more chocolate.